There once was a man

in the Land of the Free

who wanted to rule

across land, over sea.


His first name was Joe,

his last name was Biden.

Ol’ Joe spent his time

in a dark basement, hidin’.


He never came out

except with a mask; 

he’d run right back down

if questions were asked.


Uncle Joe, as they called him,

came up with a plan

to win an election

and govern the land.


He had to beat Donald,

the president, Trump,

who’d otherwise kick

Uncle Joe in the rump.


He said: “I’ll just tell them

that mean Mr. Trump

supports neo-Nazis.

They’ll think he’s a chump.”


So Uncle Joe summoned

the loyal Fake News

to cook up the lies

his campaign would use.


Though people believed them,

it wasn’t enough.

Uncle Joe realized

he’d need stronger stuff.


Just then, a pandemic

made everyone sick.

Here was Joe’s chance 

for a new kind of trick.


Joe told the people

That voting was risky

(though they were just fine

buying ganja or whiskey).


“I demand vote-by-mail!”

he declared from his den,

“Or else we shall die!

(And Trump’s gonna win.)”


An army of lawyers

fought for the change

that Biden commanded

and courts did arrange.


Sure enough, in the voting

Trump did all right;

He looked to be winning

on E-lection Night.


But in came the mail!

And just as Trump feared

his lead in the vote

had soon disappeared.


Biden had done it!

He’d come from behind.

A scheme that poor Donald

would never unwind.


The moment that Trump

began asking questions,

they shut him right up!

Joe taught him a lesson.


Once in the White House,

Uncle Joe signed some orders.

He called some world leaders;

he opened the borders.


He canceled a pipeline

that Trump had allowed.

The workers were angry;

Joe’s donors were proud.


He gave out vaccines 

And claimed all the credit. 

The journ-O-lists ignored

a lie, when he said it.


But Joe’s hopes for power

ran into a bump:

so many people

still missed Donald Trump.


The old president

had cause to feel bitter:

they censored his Facebook; 

they kicked him off Twitter.


But Trump was enjoying

his Florida home.

Inside Mar-a-Lago

he wasn’t alone.


His fans lined the streets

to see him drive by;

they cheered and waved flags

for their favorite guy.


Nothing could shake them, 

despite “insurrection”;

and all “MAGA nation”

professed its affection.


So Uncle Joe plotted

to get back at Trump.

The new “cancel culture” 

gave license to dump.


He called his advisers

and said, “I’ve no use

for fun-loving authors

like this ‘Dr. Seuss.’


“Cancel the stories

that people enjoy; 

shun those who say

that a girl’s not a boy.


“Everything’s racist!

That’s what we’ll say.

Neanderthal Trumpsters

will soon go away.”


So the book-burning started

on bonfires piled high.

Joe followed his plan

to make Trump say goodbye.


But millions of people

whether white, brown, or black

had seen quite enough

and began to push back.


“Dr. Seuss is a legend!

We love Hop on Pop.

Uncle Joe’s lost his mind;

‘cancel culture’ must stop.”


Uncle Joe had imagined

he’d win, going woke.

But Trump is still laughing,

and Biden’s the joke.

Joel B. Pollak is Senior Editor-at-Large at Breitbart News and the host of Breitbart News Sunday on Sirius XM Patriot on Sunday evenings from 7 p.m. to 10 p.m. ET (4 p.m. to 7 p.m. PT). He is the author of the recent e-book, Neither Free nor Fair: The 2020 U.S. Presidential Election. His recent book, RED NOVEMBER, tells the story of the 2020 Democratic presidential primary from a conservative perspective. He is a winner of the 2018 Robert Novak Journalism Alumni Fellowship. Follow him on Twitter at @joelpollak.

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